I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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