Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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