I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
