Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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