Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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