i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
