I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
