the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
