I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
