i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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