I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
