wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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