She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
