I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
