I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
