Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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