At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
