true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
