How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
