On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
