Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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