I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
