The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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