there's paper in my vomit.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
