I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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