No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
