rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
