Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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