he was CRYING into my vagina
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
