It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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