When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
