Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
