i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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