this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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