hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
