Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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