Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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