I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
