I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I did not marry a roomba.
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