How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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