im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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