sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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