So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
