I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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