Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
