1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
