You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
