my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
