Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
