you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
