I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
