I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
