I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
