And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
