Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
